It's funny, but sometimes when N tries to be sweet, it terrifies me to no end.
For instance, as he fast forwards into our future forever
, he casually says, "Little A will graduate from high school and then college..."
"Now there's no need to be cruel," I say. He gives me that smile....that smile that says, "I know you're a little nuts and I love you anyway...", pats me on the head and gives me a hug.
Am I the only one who hyperventilates at the thought of their precious little girl becoming an adult? A real, live, other-people-look-at-her-and-see-grown-up-and-not-the-smiles-and-monkey-shines-of-childhood adult
Am I the only one who screeches like a howler monkey when people talk about girls getting their periods at 8 years old? It's not the period, or the talk, so much as the fact that my child
could potentially produce another human this year
??? She still believes in Santa Claus
for God's sake!
Am I the only one who wants to melt into a crying puddle when she gives me that look....the one that indicates that she is far too cool for x
Am I the only one who thinks its entirely possible that I will be the shittiest, most impatient, uncool, lame-ass excuse for a mom of a teenager that has ever walked this earth?
I am one (though maybe not the only one) who's feeling just a little bit lost lately. Feeling the endless strain of adjustment, the pressure of unfinished projects, the monotony and irritation of work, the gray lack of sun, and flailing to find something to hang onto in January. As the snow blows over me, pulling me every way it can, I'm grasping for the right thing to hang onto.
It's not going to be my girls' childhood much longer. The thing that has grounded me for so long...I'm not going to be Mommy
much longer. I'll become Mom,
and with what tone I have no idea.
I'm not so sure about this Mom
thing. The Mommy
thing I had down. Feed her, play with her, show her new stuff that makes her think you are way cool, take her to farms, ponds, the ocean, read her stories and sing her songs at bedtime...the Mommy
thing I've got. The Mom
thing is a total mystery to me.
Random things I keep meaning to say, but that aren't worthy of their own post:
1. I saw Memoirs of a Geisha. You should too. It was beautiful. Don't believe the critics. They're ass holes.
2. (Shameful advertising) I've got a pattern coming out in the February issue of MagKnits
. Check it out! (They come out monthly and they are great...check them out anyway!)
3. For anyone counting, N and I have officially lived together for 10 days. So far, so good.