Tuesday, January 10, 2006

Mommy and Mom and a few random things

It's funny, but sometimes when N tries to be sweet, it terrifies me to no end.
For instance, as he fast forwards into our future forever, he casually says, "Little A will graduate from high school and then college..."
"Now there's no need to be cruel," I say. He gives me that smile....that smile that says, "I know you're a little nuts and I love you anyway...", pats me on the head and gives me a hug.

Am I the only one who hyperventilates at the thought of their precious little girl becoming an adult? A real, live, other-people-look-at-her-and-see-grown-up-and-not-the-smiles-and-monkey-shines-of-childhood adult?

Am I the only one who screeches like a howler monkey when people talk about girls getting their periods at 8 years old? It's not the period, or the talk, so much as the fact that my child could potentially produce another human this year??? She still believes in Santa Claus for God's sake!

Am I the only one who wants to melt into a crying puddle when she gives me that look....the one that indicates that she is far too cool for x now?

Am I the only one who thinks its entirely possible that I will be the shittiest, most impatient, uncool, lame-ass excuse for a mom of a teenager that has ever walked this earth?

I am one (though maybe not the only one) who's feeling just a little bit lost lately. Feeling the endless strain of adjustment, the pressure of unfinished projects, the monotony and irritation of work, the gray lack of sun, and flailing to find something to hang onto in January. As the snow blows over me, pulling me every way it can, I'm grasping for the right thing to hang onto.
It's not going to be my girls' childhood much longer. The thing that has grounded me for so long...I'm not going to be Mommy much longer. I'll become Mom, and with what tone I have no idea.
I'm not so sure about this Mom thing. The Mommy thing I had down. Feed her, play with her, show her new stuff that makes her think you are way cool, take her to farms, ponds, the ocean, read her stories and sing her songs at bedtime...the Mommy thing I've got. The Mom thing is a total mystery to me.

Random things I keep meaning to say, but that aren't worthy of their own post:
1. I saw Memoirs of a Geisha. You should too. It was beautiful. Don't believe the critics. They're ass holes.
2. (Shameful advertising) I've got a pattern coming out in the February issue of MagKnits. Check it out! (They come out monthly and they are great...check them out anyway!)
3. For anyone counting, N and I have officially lived together for 10 days. So far, so good.


Blogger Melissa said...

My mother DOES read my blog, although I was not actually aware of this when I decided to publish that particular post. She hadn't mentioned my blog in about 3 months, and I assumed she had just stop reading it, but apparently not. She actually kept her opinions to herself, which surprised me to no end. My mom can be pretty cool sometimes. I bet you can be, too!

11:30 AM  
Blogger V said...

Wow...well that's awesome. I'll need good role models!

12:45 PM  
Blogger JayneSays said...

One day at a time. That's what "they" say, anyway. (What made "them" so smart?) It can get overwhelming to project all of your worst fears into an imagined future. And you miss out on Now. . . (sorry, feeling philosophical today.)

1:12 PM  
Blogger V said...

Lol...yeah! Who made them so god damn smart? Luckily, I usually keep my pondering and pathetic attitude here at work. All's well when I'm with her...and still Mommy.

1:37 PM  
Blogger Tink said...

I still call my Mom "Momma" when the mood strikes. I only lost the habit through the 15-17 years. You guys will bounce back, I promise!

10 day mile marker! No bloodshed yet? I really have no idea as to the background behind this, although I searched your last 8 posts. But I wish you luck just the same. :)

1:50 PM  
Blogger Tweets said...

Mother and daughter relationships just get better with age. There comes a time in every daughter's life when she realizes Mommas were right about EVERYTHING.

Until then, best of luck ;-)

4:56 PM  
Anonymous v-Grrrl said...

The thought of them growing up is hardest when they're preschoolers or in kindergarten. Then they get into elementary school and you get to see what cool kids they're turning into, how interesting their minds are, and get real glimpses of where their lives might take them. They won't always be "cute" but they will always enrich your life--near or far, however old they are.

9:21 AM  
Blogger Laurie said...

I'm glad that I have boys and not girls.. it just seems that there's so much more to worry about with girls.

I never, ever listen to movie critics! Pompous asses for the most part.

Thanks for stopping by my blog :-)

11:46 AM  
Blogger Dawn said...

Yeah, V, I do. I get the "Will I have to have a birth control talk with her...and when" thought and then I run screaming from myself.

I think that with a daughter, you both know AND fear what is coming. At the same time, you want to prepare them and let them know that you love them, no matter what, but they are your baby and it doesn't have to be so hard. But it does, I think.

I don't like thinking of my child as "8" in May.

12:04 PM  
Blogger V said...

Yeah...I'm way too cheesy and I love the movie The Thornbirds, and the mother in there says something to the effect of "What's a daughter but someone to remind you of all the pain you've gone through?" I'm so releived, on a daily basis that I had a girl...I wouldn't know what the hell to do with a boy, but to some extent its true. Thinking of her going through some of those times is not easy. And watching them, I'm sure, will be much worse.
Luckily now....most things are still cured with a cuddle. Phew. PLEASE let this stage of her life continue....for just a LITTLE more!!!

2:08 PM  
Blogger mothergoosemouse said...

I understand too, and mine are still really little (not quite 4 and almost 1). I was never sure about either gig - Mommy or Mom - but the part that terrifies me the most is making sure I teach them what they need to know to protect themselves, both physically and emotionally. Which means I have to contemplate the idea that they may get hurt, which is too much to bear at times.

5:39 PM  
Anonymous Nancy said...

Oh man, I am sooo far behind on reading and commenting. I've looked at this post a couple of times and finally now am getting abck to it.

I don't know what it is about this January, but there's something going around the blogsphere with respect to moods and sadness and wondering if this is what life's all about...

I totally cannot handle the thought of my little girls growing up. I hear about little 10 year olds wanting to wear thong underwear and I think I'm going to throw up. J and I were talking about how we want to live in our house for another 10 years or so, and that made me think that my older girl will be 14 then! A teenager! Inconceivable. I don't want this to happen yet, I am not ready. I am not ready.

9:35 PM  
Anonymous roo said...

V, the years ahead are longer than you think. Consider the fact that Little A is about the same age as our friendship-- think about what's happened since we met, how much both of our lives have changed in that relatively small window of time. From my perspective, you've been moving in a steadily upward climb for as long as I've known you. (Congratulations on your first ten days with N, by the way-- he provides a perfect case-in-point.)

When I think about you, the first word that pops into my mind (after your name, spoken in a goofy voice) is "competent." I don't think I've ever seen you non-plussed. You just get the job done. And you make it seem easy. Non-chalant, even.

I think you'll be a great mom.

2:34 AM  
Blogger V said...

Thanks Roo...hopefully you're not just complimentary, but right! Thanks for always cheering me on.

Nancy...Those are the ones that get me too....when I think "Oh when N is done with school and we get a house....and Little A will be...what...12....???? How could that be???

Mothergoose Mouse...I'm so hoping I don't turn into denial mom...It IS just way too hard to even imagine that someone could hurt them. When it really happens...I hope I'll be able to face it and help. Hopefully band-aid steps up its production into slightly more complex bandages by then! Broken heart band-aids...disloyal friend band-aid. I'm gonna need some help!

9:01 AM  
Blogger SO said...

K calls me Mom whenever her friends are around, but I have told her she is still to call us Mommy and Daddy to our faces!!

Yeah, it's scary, the whole growing up thing. K will be 11 this year and I was 11 3/4 when I got my period.

I try and take in K in long stares and it drives her nuts. But I want to remember each and every day. I wish I did this more when she was younger.

10:29 AM  

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