Monday, January 02, 2006

Thank God its over.

And I didn't kill anyone. At least I don't think I did. Hopefully none of my gift recipients were allergic to wool. I have pictures for a little Christmas debrief once I pick my arse up out of the office and go get the camera out of the car. It's still buried underneath most of the Christmas visiting loot.
I just got back from visiting the J Squad and my parents in NY last night. Getting home always makes me feel empty. New Years always makes me feel incredibly blue, restless, and insignificant. Going back to work on a holiday for almost everyone in this stinking country makes me feel like banging my head into the brick wall behind me. Not sleeping the night before makes me feel manic. So...although I'd like to re-greet the blogging world with a whole buttload of giddy cheer, it just ain't gonna happen.
I have to fess up. I'm not the New Year's optimist, gleefully looking ahead to a zippy year ahead.. I'm not the whoopity-doo New Year's partier. I'm not the delighted hostess or the vehement resolver. I've tried them all out, but they all fit like a dollar store bra. Sadly, they just aren't who I am.
I'm the dissatisfied inquisitor. The one who always thinks New Year's could be fun, but knows that it won't be...because it rarely has been. I'm the New Year's pessimist who is most likely thinking about all the crap from the previous year, instead of all the wonderful things that the year held. I get trapped....thinking about the fights N and I had, the times I let down Little A, the stuff I didn't do. I'm the one who looks ahead with apprehension and wonders whether it all will really be ok. Will I work it out with N this year? We live together now, you know? Will we be able to adjust and grow? Will everything be ok with Little A? Will she go through some stage that I can't stand? Will I be an ~ok~ mom this year? Will my parents health hold this year? Will I finish my stupid master's project? Will I do anything this year...that I will be proud of? ...that I will hate? ...that I will cling to?
Maybe it's just a weird symptom of looking ahead and behind far more that I usually do. The New Year has this strange way....of making me feel like time is there is no now, but only the past and the future. And I barely know what to do with myself. There's stuff to do now, the lists all tell me, but I usually have to wait it out. Another day or so, and maybe I'll get back to the comfort of now.


Anonymous roo said...

V, I'm glad you're back.

I'm so happy for you that N has moved in-- though I understand your apprehensions. Jeff and my first year of living together was pretty rocky; it's hard to break your home and your life wide open enough for another person to fit comfortably. It gets easier, though. Make sure you have an escape hatch for when you need it.

I know what you mean about the lack of now, now. That kind of pensiveness can be melancholy, but I think it's necessary to anyone who hopes to lead an examined life (in other words, one worth living.)

2:47 AM  
Anonymous V-Grrrrl said...

The line about classic New Year's traditions fitting you "like a Dollar Store bra" is awesome writing.

I believe when holidays and rituals don't feel right, make your own. Light candles, write all your regrets and fears on slips of paper and burn them in a bonfire outside, re-read your favorite book on New Year's, go for a walk at night, whatever. Make it work for you. Create your own "now"

8:57 AM  
Anonymous Nancy said...

I loved the "dollar store bra" line also. Great, great metaphor.

I am rather a pessimist (although I prefer the term "realist") so I can relate to the feelings you describe. I try to be optimistic on new year's, but I don't think there's anything magical about the changeover between years, so I'm not overly convinced the fact of it being a "fresh year" will make any difference. I just hope for some positive momentum to keep me going in 2006. I wish the same for you.

9:52 AM  
Blogger V said...

Roo! I'm glad to be back too. :) Thanks! Things are going ok so far with the move. Luckily I had a nice dramatic meltdown that relieved a lot of stress and whipped him into shape. He can't take the crying.

V-grrrrl (I never think I get the right amount of R's!)...thanks for the suggestions. I really should try to do somethings like that. Or just go to sleep! At least I have a year to decide now. :)

Thanks Nancy! And the same to you. :) If anyone DOES experience some magical transformation when the new year or a new birthday or something comes....I'd love to hear about it!

7:29 AM  

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