Wednesday, April 26, 2006

A Meme I can handle...

I read this one over at Peeve and think it's just the right thing to help my foul mood today.

"List ten things you want/wanted to say to ten random people, but you know you never got to/never will say these things to them. Don’t say who the comment is/was meant for, and use people only once. Don't include anything in your comment that would enable anyone to identify the person."

1. There is no one who has created more meaning and love in my life than you. When I think of how much I love you, it overwhelms me beyond belief. (This one may be could be said someday...)

2. I wish you would just acknowledge that you hurt me, stop pretending like you've never done anything wrong in your life. So that, maybe, we could move on and be closer again. I know that you're not perfect and I wish you didn't think that you had to keep trying to convince the world that you are.

3. I wish you understood respect. Really, really understood it.

4. You are the person that made me understand that not all people are fundamentally good. You are evil. Your soul is dark and empty and I hate you more than I could possibly ever express.

5. You treat everyone like shit and all it shows it what a pitiful ass hole you are. I hope you get what you deserve.

6. You need to back off and mind your own business sometimes. I know you interfere because you're protective and love me, but my life is not your life. It's mine to live, whether I fuck it up or succeed beyond my dreams.

7. I wish I hadn't been in my awkward distant teenage years when you that I could've told you how much I loved you.

8. I wish I'd never lost touch with you.

9. I think you need to be medicated before you really harm yourself or someone else.

10. I think you've been posing your whole entire life. And it makes me sad for you because you could've been yourself and you would've been great., I don't have any anger...really....why would you ask?

Anyway...very cathartic. Do it if you're in need of a little benign release.

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

Movie Tuesday

Oh crap! I almost forgot....Movie Tuesday. Maybe someone will actually get this one! Email me your answer at movietuesday at gmail dot com.

I've got things to say

But my head is pounding way too hard for me to actually say them. And so, for today, search terms:

1. i say hurl. if u blow chunks and she comes back, she's yours. if u spew and she bolts, it was never meant to be. interpretation (Dude...that was ALL ONE search! Now it's perplexing enough that anyone would search for that, but its equally perplexing that it would lead one HERE of all places. I guess I must be pretty barfy)

2. trannies (I guess I deserved that after my comment about Baltimore)

3. I got several hits regarding being rejected by Knitty. I'm guessing they sent out the axe last week for many people since April15th was their most recent deadline. And here is all I have to say to those of you come here because of that: Don't bother with Knitty unless you've got a thick, thick skin or an "in".

4. And of course the spell hits flow and flow. I got "rise dead spells", "spells against mean people", "crossing over spells", "sewing spells the mists of avalon", "stop eating so much free spells", "for different kid of spells" (ok...this one I have to comment on...was that a typo, or is someone seriously looking to trade their kid in?), "free watching spells", and "free spells to make someone like you for a friend".

And if my eye wasn't threatening to exorcise itself from my head and bang itself against the wall several times...I'd be happy to oblige. But today, NOW, I must go crawl under my desk.

Nighty night.

Friday, April 21, 2006

Blogging absurdity

After beating fur balls to death, confusing the kids, and posting yet another Movie Tuesday that no one guessed (It was Even Cowgirls Get the Blues, btw. Read it, don't watch it), I thought the best way to cap it off would be to tell you about the most absurd item of my past weekend.

While in NY, I always have to visit the wide variety of $1 stores that upstate offers. We don't have much out here in Boston...I guess the rent must be too high or something. So I always get a little excited to see what I can find for my buck. We visited the typical Dollar Tree and some other chain one that I can't remember the name of. I found some good things (i.e. useless kitchen gadgets that I'll probably curse myself for buying when I can't close the drawer), but nothing really spectacular. UNTIL we visited the 99cent Store on Erie Blvd in Syracuse (You're welcome for the can pay me my cut in items that don't smell of cheap incense or unidentified animals). Now, I don't know if it was that one more penny discount that could've possibly turned gigantic plastic turkey baisters into pure gold, or what. But, I'm telling you. This place was an absolute treasure trove.

You have to go to the back of the store...the stuff in the front isn't just 99c. Pass through the stifling stink of incense and you will be in the 99c section....and the further back you go, the more strange things become. And on the back wall, I found possibly the most bizarre and confusing item I have ever come across. So, of course, I bought it. (And yes, this purchase seems to have cemented in N's mind that I've finally gone completely off the merri-go-round.)


That's right! I was able to buy "Close relations between family members" (if you can't actually read it) for just 99c! In that little package that proclaims Shuyaqingfabric workmandup series perfection, I have bought me some serious close relations. And its a good thing too. Sometimes my mom really pisses me off.

But wait, what's this on the other side of the package: everything makes sense. "Shuyaqing makes you clean beautiful and more fashionale." That's right kids, not only will you be having close family relations, but you will be clean, beautiful and the most fashionalist kid on the block! Oh, and MADE IN CHINA. Yeah, no shit.

So, what's in this mysterious package?

Still perplexed? Want a closer look at just one of them?

Yeah...our best guess was that they are some kind of stand-alone sleeves. I don't maybe sort of a condom for hugging or something? Any other guesses? They were with aprons and slippers for mopping the floor if that helps any. But I wouldn't really depend on the stores was unique, to say the least.

But they are truly fashionale, aren't they? And I'm pretty sure they are made from graduation gown material, very comfy and only makes you break out in hives after immediateextended wear!!!

N asked me what I was going to do with them. Duh! Isn't it obvious? I'm going to USE them for amusement. And boy will I be amused when he comes into the bedroom all horned up, and I'm READY for those close relations with my supremely fashionale unidentified treasures!

Thursday, April 20, 2006

As if you're not sick of Easter posts...

I finally brought my camera, so here it is.

Easter is a weird holiday for me. I'd love to ignore it, completely. But then there's Little A.

As a kid I was always dragged out of bed at 4AM, dressed like I was a freakishly young bride, and driven off with the family to my dad's church 45 minutes away. Easter took FOREVER. First there was the sunrise service, in the frost bitten smite of make-believe hellish "spring" of NY dewey morning light. Then pancakes at the church. with. church people. (And if you're wondering, it's not christians or Jesus I have a problem with ~generally~ it's the church people. Sue me...I'm a preacher's kid.) Then choir or Sunday School, more church....Lengthened by extra special Easter just went on and on and on and on.

My mom would give us small Easter baskets filled mostly with candy that I would polish off before the end of the day and Easter grass that would be coming out of my cat's pooper before the end of week. And that was it. I never got it, much like most of my days at church as a young'n.

It seemed spooky to me. He's a ghost now? What? I thought you always told us that ghosts were nonsense, Mom? And the ghostly image of someone killed so brutally just did nothing but creep me out. Oh, and there's the other part...the rampant display of crucifixes during Easter. I hate them. They remind me of hate and brutality, not kindness and compassion that the dude was trying to spread around.

So what do I do for Easter? Well, we color eggs. Because who doesn't like the opportunity to paint their food?

We usually have an Easter egg hunt:

And usually the Easter egg hunt somehow leads the kids to the big Easter basket. No, the Easter bunny is not involved. I have no use for that mythical creature either. This year JMom and I stuffed the eggs with candy, a non-edible treat, a puzzle piece and a "clue". These were the some of the clues:

1. From where you stand, slide 3 steps to your left and raise 2 finger on your hand.

2. The blue moon moons the mongoose.

3. What's your lucky number? Add 26. Subtract 3. Divide by 8.

4. The purple herring will soon be pickled.

5. Turn around 5 times, hop 10 times, blink twice. What do you see?

6. Who farted?

7. Let my out of this smelly egg!

8. Take 1/2 cup of water. Mix in one drop of spit. Stir in 2 grains of rice and 6 blades of grass.

So, did you guys get them? Riiiiight. They were bullshit clues that kept the kids confused for a good half an hour. (I'd love to post those confused faces pictures, but I'm not sure JMom would like me posting pictures of her kids....) You see, since Easter confused me, I'm carrying on the tradition of confusion. After a while, we suggested that they THINK REALLY HARD about the clues while trying to put the puzzle together. On the puzzle we had written the location of the big basket. After they got it, they still came back to try to figure out how the clues would have led them to the basement, in front of the dryer. Muua-haa-haa!

So that was my Easter. Oh, there were less thrilling parts (can you imagine?), but those are the highlights....I know...I'm like a rockstar, aren't I?

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

Tranquilizers, please!

So, it seems that this guy has made me a wee bit jumpy about my bathroom. I usually have to take a quick floor/bathtub/behind-the-toilet scan before I can relax and do my thing. This does not apply when I’m only half-conscious, i.e. anytime before 8AM, and I never turn any lights on until I’ve been awake for at least 15 minutes. I just cannot handle it.

So this morning, as I stumbled out of my bedroom for the morning bathroom event, I walked through the door and realized that I had just passed over something that was the general size and shape of that thing. I swung the door around and it MOVED toward me in a quick threatening burst, like its evil little scampering million legged self. I grabbed the giant tub of bubble bath and beat the crap out of him. And I mean BEAT HIM DEAD because I was really afraid that he was going to crawl up the bubble bath container and administer the kiss of death to my neck.

When I was finally sure that he was dead, I had the bright idea to turn on the light to check.

And boooooooy was it dead! That thing was never going to move again.

That TUFT OF FUR from the cat (it’s shedding season and the air from a door being closed can push along a tuft of fur, you know).


Tuesday, April 18, 2006

Movie Tuesday

It's that time again! You can e-mail your answer to MovieTuesday at gmail dot com.

Little A is here at work with me today, so that's it for me....though I've got some good stuff comin' your way!

Thursday, April 13, 2006

And now....

The winner....chosen with the very effective and dramatic spitball fate method* is Nancy! :) Send me your address Nancy for your little prizey! Thanks for playing everyone!

I'm off to NY today to see the fam. 5 hours of driving! Wooo-hooo! Luckily there will be tasty dinner and people I love at the end of it. Little A has really gotten the reading bug lately too and paked no less than 50 hours of reading in her bag, so we should have a pretty easy trip.

Two weeks ago, this was the thing:

Last week, this was the thing:

Today, thing looks like this:

The combination of sun and L's baby boy kicked my ass yesterday. I'm hoping I can pass out at my desk for a few minutes. I'll see you all Tuesday. Hope you have a lovely easter weekend!

*Very Effective and Dramatic Spitball Fate Method - write all options on tiny pieces of paper. Roll into spitballs (but don't moisten!). Feed through a straw and blow against a wall. Whichever one lands closest is the what fate wants you to do.

Wednesday, April 12, 2006

Stumper Thumper

Ok well....Movie Tuesday #1 turned out to be a little too much of a stumper. I can't figure it primary movie guru's who I was CERTAIN could figure it out can't and so Movie Tuesday #1 is morphing. Post a caption to the unidentified photo...and I'll pick a winner randomly for the little prize. Yes? Easier. No knowledge required...just silliness. I'll choose the winner (via spitball fortune probably....) tomorrow morning at 9AM. Next week will be easier....I promise!

Someone in my house learned to knit on Saturday

And she likes it. Little A is making a barbie poncho to match a poncho I made for her on Friday night. She's doing a great job.

Movie Tuesday is still in play.....I think!

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

Movie Tuesday

As a reward to everyone who suffered through yesterday's disgusting post, I've got a little surprise. I can't promise that it will be every Tuesday because, well....I'm inconsistent. You might as well know that now. But there's a store in my town that sells a whole lot of odd shit. One of their specialties is weird/random stills from movies sold at a nice affordable rate. Which would As you all may know, I'm somewhat helpless when it comes to movies....just ask Roo for further verification. How many times has she mentioned an actress....(blank stare from V)....named a very famous movie she was in....(more blank stare)....named like 25 more movies she was in hoping to get a hit SOMEWHERE....(DUH). Yeah, I'm not so good with the celebrity names or movies. So it makes no sense at all that I would have Movie Tuesday, except for the fact that I have access. Yes indeed, to things like this:

Now, if you can name the movie this is from (and understand that I have no clue and will probably have to check to see if you are right....or go with general consensus) I'll send you a little prize. Seriously, a LITTLE prize. I'm not nice enough to send bits of my stash out (like Chris) every week. If more than one person gets it, I'll choose a winner is some strange random fashion.

In other movie news...from your recommendations...I watched Love Actually and thought it was a really sweet movie. I might even buy seems like a good one to own on dreary days. I also watched The Squid and the Whale...and't hate it, but I'd never watch it again. The characters are very real, very honest, but it just didn't really grab me. I think the guy had too many qualities like my ex....or at least that same kind of 'if you don't love me, then you just don't get how deep I am" kind of thing. Bleh! I had the same problem with Sideways....Absolutely hated it because it was like sitting in a room watching my ex and his best friend. Made me want to barf...even if it was "good".

(Edited....tried to improve the picture....)

Monday, April 10, 2006

N's home, but he's not the only one

N's home. We're VERY happy about that!

No ass-y or unwelcome calls over the weekend.

Though, I did have an unwelcome visitor. If I hadn't run screaming from the bathroom, only to come back armed with the biggest shoe I could find and hyperventilating , I might've thought to take a picture. But luckily the internet wants you to see even if my panic wanted to shield you from the horror. The visitor was like this:

Dude. But bigger. With like 3000 more legs and a fatter body. Lucky he didn't move or else I might've passed out right next to the tub he was calling home, knocked my head on the toilet and woke up only to realize that half of my flesh had been eaten by an enlarged version of said insect...having feasted on Old Spice Body stronger and 512 times the size of a normal bug!

Wait, where was I? Oh didn't all. So I squashed it. Then it moved a little. (All together now....eeeeeeiiick!) I know, I know....I'm a vegetarian...I should be all "Oh...poor little thing...trapped in an apartment. I'll catch him and release him outside where he can live happily ever after." Yeah....fuck thatjust one problem. There are creatures in this world that get that kind treatment....usually in front of Little A, while I'm pretending that I'm a super cool mom who doesn't bat an eye at the creepy little freekish alien-like insects. But you see THIS ONE exceeded the maximum number of legs, and by quite a bit seeing that the maximum number of legs is 6. Yup, 6. That's how many an ant has, right? Anyway, my theory is, the more legs, the more likely that you were sent by Satan. And therefore you must be destroyed. For the good of humanity. Everyone with me on that?

Now, I find it to be some seriously cruel joke of the universe that this asshole showed up in my apartment the ONE weekend that N has been gone since Christmas 2004, leaving me there, to deal with it alone. ALONE! AND furthermore, it pissed me off NOT just a little that he showed up after a cleaning binge. I mean....had he shown up Wednesday....I would've felt that the curse of this little demon was justified. But I HAD JUST CLEANED. DID YOU HEAR ME OH HOUSEKEEPING-BUGSENDING UNIVERSE??? I LYSOL-ED the WHOLE FUCKING bathroom....and you send THIS bastard as a thank you gift.

Fuck this. I'm never cleaning again. That'll teach yuh.

Friday, April 07, 2006

Just suppose.....

Some ass hole you broke up with a couple of years ago, all of the sudden starts calling you again out of the blue. Let's suppose you're conveniently out of the house when all those phone calls arrive, but come home and see them on the caller I.D. Let's also suppose that the sight of said phone number and name nearly makes you vomit. After spending no less then 6 months trying to extricate this moron from your life, and spending the last 2 years or so in blissful ass-less land, you answer your work phone only to hear:

M: (thinking he's using his most sexy voice) Hi. Is this V?
V: Yeah....? (Feels the bile rising in her throat)
M: It's M. How have you been?
V: (Must. Vomit.) Fine.
M: Do you have a few minutes?
V: No, I'm just running out for lunch. (Lie....SUCH a bad liar....but in this case it is REALLY a-ok if he realizes I'm lying.....just. to. get. away.)
M: Well, I have something I really need to talk to you about.
V: Well...I really can't talk....I'm just running out. Bye. (Click and vomit doing a nice little dance.)

I'm seriously wanting to barf. Hurl. Spew. Blow chunks. Dry heave. Anything that will purge this most unwelcome event from my life.

When I saw the numbers on my home caller I.D., I had the brief thought that I would send an email saying "Don't call me. Ever." But this guy is a salesman in every way, and I knew that by opening up that tiniest line of communication (I know...its a stretch to think that's a line of communication....but SIX MONTHS trying to get him away....I know this would be seen as communication) would be the ultimate downfall.

I need some exit strategies. Just hanging up has never worked. I'll have to think on these while I go wash that acidic taste out of my mouth. Suggestions are welcome. Just remember: subtle doesn't work. Even out-right direct hasn't worked, including phrases such as "We do not ever need to talk," "Leave me alone," and the ever-popular "Stay the hell out of my life."

Wednesday, April 05, 2006

To the land of Trannies...

This morning N is off to Baltimore, aka the land of Trannies. I have no idea if Baltimore has a disproportionately large amount of transvestites or not, but I've been there twice, and there was no shortage either time. I used this information to caution N. Or at least to keep his dick in his pants. Not that I actually think it will come flying out, but the neurotic little devil that lives in the deep dark pit of my stomach and sends wrinkle rays up to my forehead is quite certain that its a possibility.

Stupid little devil. I seriously detest that part of inability to get a hold of my constant insecurities and paranoia. Because there's evidence for oh so rational brain tells me. I could tell you a story right now that would make you certain that there would be dick lift-off down in Baltimore this weekend. And I could also tell you story that would make you tell that little devil that he is one fucked up piece of work to even suggest such a thing. Ack. I'm sure everything will be fine. (The part of me that says things like 'everything will be fine' told me to tell you all that.)

In other news. I saw a new doctor yesterday....decided I would guinea pig new ones this time instead of throwing Little A to the wolves. He was very nice. And oddly seemed to know a few things. I think he's a keeper, so he'd better not move or die or use whatever new maneuver these slippery doctors may come with.

Speaking of Little A's issue....she's gone dry at night for almost a week straight. I know it might seem a little pathetic to be this excited about urine, but you have NO idea how this thrills me. Every morning I get up and prepare myself for pee-ville...Because if I'm not prepared, I will be a mongo-bitch-momma. And every morning, I'm greeted with DRYNESS. Oh my fucking god. It's the most thrilling thing that's happened to me since the started showing the Facts of Life on demand.

Last night, Little A got ready for bed. First you must know that Little A vacillates between growing up to be a veterinarian (yes, she's already in that stage) and a fashion designer. So, she came out to the living room last night with pink pajamas on that she's starting to bust out of...and purple socks. Pulled all the way up to about mid calf....OVER the pajama bottoms. And that would be our fashion statement of the evening, from our future fashion designer Little A....Erkel Goes to Bed.

Tuesday, April 04, 2006

Thing and finishing....

Last week, this was the thing:

Here's my thing as of this morning. I've been mainly using up weird scraps of yarn that are on my desk that no one in their right mind would've kept:

It's coming along.... I need to get some new colors lying around on my desk. Anybody else got something to show?

I've also been finishing a LOT of things, but I keep forgetting to take pictures. I did get these two though. A baby sweater for L's little J. (It's this pattern):

And a baby sweater for my ex-sister-in-law's baby awaiting (It's cabled though you can't really see it in the lame ass picture:

More to add things to the sidebar....