Monday, April 10, 2006

N's home, but he's not the only one

N's home. We're VERY happy about that!

No ass-y or unwelcome calls over the weekend.

Though, I did have an unwelcome visitor. If I hadn't run screaming from the bathroom, only to come back armed with the biggest shoe I could find and hyperventilating , I might've thought to take a picture. But luckily the internet wants you to see even if my panic wanted to shield you from the horror. The visitor was like this:

Dude. But bigger. With like 3000 more legs and a fatter body. Lucky he didn't move or else I might've passed out right next to the tub he was calling home, knocked my head on the toilet and woke up only to realize that half of my flesh had been eaten by an enlarged version of said insect...having feasted on Old Spice Body stronger and 512 times the size of a normal bug!

Wait, where was I? Oh didn't all. So I squashed it. Then it moved a little. (All together now....eeeeeeiiick!) I know, I know....I'm a vegetarian...I should be all "Oh...poor little thing...trapped in an apartment. I'll catch him and release him outside where he can live happily ever after." Yeah....fuck thatjust one problem. There are creatures in this world that get that kind treatment....usually in front of Little A, while I'm pretending that I'm a super cool mom who doesn't bat an eye at the creepy little freekish alien-like insects. But you see THIS ONE exceeded the maximum number of legs, and by quite a bit seeing that the maximum number of legs is 6. Yup, 6. That's how many an ant has, right? Anyway, my theory is, the more legs, the more likely that you were sent by Satan. And therefore you must be destroyed. For the good of humanity. Everyone with me on that?

Now, I find it to be some seriously cruel joke of the universe that this asshole showed up in my apartment the ONE weekend that N has been gone since Christmas 2004, leaving me there, to deal with it alone. ALONE! AND furthermore, it pissed me off NOT just a little that he showed up after a cleaning binge. I mean....had he shown up Wednesday....I would've felt that the curse of this little demon was justified. But I HAD JUST CLEANED. DID YOU HEAR ME OH HOUSEKEEPING-BUGSENDING UNIVERSE??? I LYSOL-ED the WHOLE FUCKING bathroom....and you send THIS bastard as a thank you gift.

Fuck this. I'm never cleaning again. That'll teach yuh.


Anonymous TB said...

Om my god. That is making me all squirmy and itchy just looking at the picture. I wouln't have been able to squash it. No way.

It looks like something they eat on Fear Factor. Gross.

3:17 PM  
Blogger Melissa said...

On Friday morning, the pest control man sprayed my apartment.

On Saturday afternoon, I cleaned the entire bathroom with bleach.

At 2 am on Sunday morning, I beat a 3-inch cockroach to death in my bathtub with a toilet plunger.


3:59 PM  
Blogger Mignon said...

I think it must've come for the Old Spice Body Wash. Do you really have that shit? Does it smell like the original stuff??

Once my friend and I woke up in the middle of the night on a camp trip and something like you describe was stuck to the end of her finger sucking her blood and waving its million legs in the air. Okey-dokey, going to vomit now...

6:12 PM  
Blogger Dawn said...

Is that silverfish? Cause I've seen those from time to time and had the exact same reaction - like "What planet did that thing come from?"

Now - if it HAD eaten the Body Wash, it would have been trying to romance you something fierce.

Thats the kind of shit that I grab anything within reach and spray the hell out of it...hairspray, cleaner, body name it. Cause the crunch when they smoosh makes me gag..hard.

I just shivered.

7:47 PM  
Blogger Dawn said...

P.s. You are a true blogger now. In a moment of crisis you think "I've got to take a picture to put on the Blog!"

7:47 PM  
Blogger mama_tulip said...

Good grief, we get those in our basement from time to time and they freak me right out every time. *shudder*

11:23 PM  
Anonymous roo said...

Gllhh... We've gotten those sometimes. Once I trapped one under a cup, and slid a card uder it to pick it up. I'd intended to release it somewhat gently, but I was convinced that as soon as I let go of the card it would run up my arm into my face, so I threw the cup out the window.

Now when I see them I just run away, or holler for Jeff.


4:29 AM  
Blogger V said...

TB: No joke....while I was typing it, I felt a phantom (hopefully) one crawl up my leg!

Melissa: Damn...that sucks. When I told N the story, I did mention my relief that "At least it wasn't a cockroach...I would've have to live on the stoop until you came home."

Mignon: Uh...ew. Blech! Yeah...N loves the Old Spice body wash. It smells....I dunno musky. I guess when he moved in and was faced with all sorts of girlie scented body washes, he almost lost it. It was a special request. :)

Lol would take more than old man musk on that bastard to romance me! I think it's a centipede....though we've had silverfish here at my office.....ICK! I didn't put my feet on the floor except to RUN out for like two weeks.

MamaT: My parents had ORANGE ones in one of their naturally I would NEVER go down there. My mom would give me stuff to take down there and I'd open the door REALLY fast, wing the stuff down the stairs, slam the door and run like hell.

Ha Roo! You ALWAYS have the best anti-bug moves! ;)

7:24 AM  
Blogger Chris said...

Eeeek! I hate those. I have a very horrible story to share about one of those...

One morning, I got up as I usually do and was wandering into the kitchen in the dark, with my glass of water from the nightstand clutched in my hand. I took a swig of the water and THERE WAS SOMETHING MOVING INSIDE MY MOUTH. I spat the mouthful of water and THING out into the glass... and it was one of those things in the picture.

I flushed it. I brushed my teeth about 25 times. I whimpered a little.

9:28 AM  
Blogger V said...

eeeeeeck! ok ok! I surrender! you win Chris! That has GOT to be the worst bug story I've ever heard. blecccccccccccccchhh!

12:06 PM  
Anonymous stella said...

holy fucking hell!

where the hell do you live?

so i can make sure we don't EVER move there.

dude. so . not. cool.

oh i have the flippin HEEBIE JEEBIES!!!

was it REALLY necessary to share that with us now??

4:42 PM  
Anonymous Nancy said...

I just about fell over laughing when you said "my theory is, the more legs, the more likely you were sent by Satan." LOL!!! That's my theory too.

Chris just totally grossed me out. I think I would hurl up a week's worth of food if I accidentally swallowed a silverfish. I'd be so dead in the water on Survivor.

8:48 PM  
Blogger Chris said...

hee hee... sorry... I was just overtaken with the horror and relived the nightmare...

aren't they millipedes or centipedes?? I thought silverfish were little?

9:52 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

V, you are correct, that is why they are called Satanbugs (ok, silverfish if being correct). They are disgusting, horrible creatures that deserve to die. the one positive thing about them is they usually stay still as i sneak up and squash them with a tissue. and they don't squirt their innards, they just smash. Why do they live so well in boston? i think they love the wood houses.

4:07 PM  

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