Thursday, May 11, 2006

Not doing great.

Yeah, I'm not really doing so well. The sadness and loss has really set in and though I keep trying to focus on the many, many reasons why this is the right thing to do, I just can't go more than an hour without feeling lost and lonely, realizing N will probably now become a stranger to me, taking with him this security.

He's moving out to where his school is, a good 45 minute to hour drive from where I am, and a place I have no reason to ever go to. I won't see him. Anymore. And yeah, my head says, "That's good, it will be easier if he's not right there all the time....living upstairs....running into you...blahblahblah." And my heart just screams "He will be GONE. Say goodbye....gonegonegone." And I've never, ever been good at saying goodbye, even to people who I don't hold so close to my heart. And this one...at least partially, is of my own doing. I'm purposely losing someone who I love. He's troublesome, yes. But I'm LOSING him...LOSING someone I love because I supposedly want it this way.

And. I. just. feel. broken.

9 Comments:

Blogger Hill said...

Awe, V...hugs to you.

11:38 AM  
Blogger Tink said...

Quit thinking about why you love him for the moment. You're going to drive yourself insane. Keep reminding yourself of why this doesn't work. Drill those into your head. You can think about how much you loved him later... When it doesn't hurt and you're ready to move on.

We're here for you.

12:02 PM  
Blogger SO said...

Awe, Vick, I'm so sorry today is so hard for you!! I guess it's better to get all the sad days over with at the beginning!!

{{{{{{Vick}}}}}}}}

12:37 PM  
Blogger mama_tulip said...

I'm sorry. :( Hugs to you.

2:14 PM  
Blogger Melissa said...

Like Tink said, you MUST keep reminding yourself why you did this in the first place. When I broke up with SG back in September, I did it because I knew he was a lying, backstabbing, sonofabitch, but I still cried over him for 7 months. And then, one day, I realized that I was letting someone who doesn't even care about me ruin my life. And he doesn't deserve that much power. And you know what, I found someone who loves everything about me, including all the things SG hated about me.

You will, too.

4:07 PM  
Anonymous stella said...

holy fuck. i just wrote you like a NOVEL of a response. and it didn't go thru...and now its GONE!!!!

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

4:58 PM  
Blogger Dawn said...

I'll share some shit I broke through today.

V's pain-body. Why is it reacting with grief to something that V knows is good? What feels good to the pain-body? The chaos? The uncertainty?

Because the pain body wants to live in the future and the past - but never Now - cause if you attend to now, the pain-body doesn't get to feed. And it WANTS to feed. Bad.

I likened it to being a junkie. Chasing the first high. You never get back to that first perfect high...but maybe in the future you will. So you go and look and look and look. Cause the past was great and the future will be better...if only you can get there.

But you never do.

When you recognize the pain-body and watch it - objectively - it gets very uncomfortable. It will squirm and try to deflect attention. "Look over there V - you wanted this - right, just don't stop me from getting my fix"

I'm not sure if this makes sense. I've been very wrapped up in some ultra heavy duty - self inflicted, self sought pain for 6 weeks. Chasing my high.

But it was all cause I didn't want to deal with Now.

Be well, my dear.

6:23 PM  
Anonymous Nancy said...

I'm so sorry. I hope it will get a little easier.

I am here if there's anything you need. Hugs.

8:33 PM  
Blogger Chris said...

*hug*

10:40 AM  

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