Tuesday, May 09, 2006

Day 1 of hell week

Last night, at about 5:20 or so, N came back to the apartment. I pretended to be reading. He walked past me, and we didn't say a word. He was on his phone....a common defense mechanism for either of us looking to avoid the other. Eventually he got off his phone, and so I got on mine. I went outside and called L. It was good for a while, but L has a baby, and baby thought it was time for me to suck it up and go back inside, i.e. 'give my mommy's attention back to me'. So, I went back in. I gathered up some of his stuff that I didn't think he would know where I had organized it to and put it with the things he was packing up. We said next to nothing to each other.

After a while, I wrote him out a check for some money that he had over-paid-me-back. His response was "That's it?" He never ever understood how much I was taking heat for him money-wise. But I guess that stupid little check helped. I left the room again after that, but had to come back to ask him the one thing I really needed to ask. The thing that has been making me fall apart and blubber every single time that I think about it. I opened the door about half way, stuck my head in and immediately started to cry. He can't take crying and so all of the sudden he turned into Mr. Nicey-Nice. And so I took a deep breath and said, "I hope you'll say goodbye to Little A" with a gigantic body-shaking sob.

Yes, Little A has grown pretty attached to him. I mean I don't think she loves him, and she would never initiate a hug or anything with him, but she's liked that he's there. I think its made her feel a little more secure. She'll always ask where he is when he's not around and she generally seems to think he's pretty cool. They've bonded enough that this is a big problem. And she is a very sensitive kid who gets attached to everything and everyone in her life. She's already had an episode of crying because she's going to miss her 2nd grade teacher next year.

So, I've been pretty concerned about him just disappearing without a word to her. And my heart has been wrenching itself out of my mouth everytime I think about telling her. I think maybe dating with a kid is just not for me. As if its not hard enough on your own to go through a break-up, it just becomes nearly impossible to hold onto your sense when you know...because of your actions either directly or indirectly...you have to tell your own precious child something that is going to hurt them. This sucks the big one.

Anyway....I guess I digressed a little there. He said he would, of course, say goodbye to her. I was gone at this point. And he hugged me. And started the long evening of me crying, him hugging me and saying things to try to get me to open the "maybe this isn't the right thing to do" discussion. But I can't and I wouldn't. Everytime something like this came up, I just said something either totally matter-of-fact like, "So, are you staying with so and so?" or something totally doom-filled like "We were just soooo never meant to be....what a train-wreck." I know...sweet....but it was the best I could do. He tried to kiss me several times, but I'd just turn my head down so that it would land squarely on my forehead.

It was a horrible night. I was literally dehydrated from crying, and had a pounding headache. But that was nothing to what tonight may be. Tonight, I'm going to tell Little A. And I've arranged for him to come over around 7:30-8:00 to say goodbye. I just had to get it done all at once. And it will be hell. Cross your fingers for my little girl's tender feelings, ok?

7 Comments:

Blogger Melissa said...

oh man. I know that after-cry headache. Too well. I feel for you - I really, truly do. Little A might take it better than you imagine, too - kids can be very surprising and mature like that.

And bravo for not caving. On both the "Let's try again" talk and the kissing. I'm very proud of you.

1:48 PM  
Blogger Tink said...

I will never forget the crying hangover I had the day after my last breakup. I didn't love the guy, but it was a vicious ending that left me feeling lost.

You're strong. You're totally in control of this situation. Just breathe girl. You're doing great.

4:09 PM  
Blogger mama_tulip said...

God, I'm sorry. I'm thinking of you and Little A tonight.

7:42 PM  
Blogger Dawn said...

V. You have all of my thoughts with you - and all of my wine bottles if neccessary. And the Advil Liqigels.

As someone who is trying to end a different toxic friend/relationship ( not with Terrance , but with someone else) I have been doing alot of writing, that I then erase. Cause if I can get it out, it helps.

8:57 PM  
Anonymous Nancy said...

Oh, V. My sympathies to you and my best thoughts to you and Little A. This is going to be a rough week, but we are all here for you if there's anything you need.

9:08 PM  
Blogger Mignon said...

Oh my sweet Jesus, that SUCKS! Really, I agree with Melissa that kids handle these things better than we think (my mom was a single/dating mom with 3 kids... I don't remember being upset ever when any of her relationships didn't work out). But it's almost like you're breaking up with N twice - for you and Little A. Double-y painful and heartbreaking. I'm so sorry.

For the record, why do guys think girls crying is a prelude to making out? I get so pissed when I'm mad at Jim and we're arguing and I'm crying and he tries to comfort me by making out. Fuck off!

Thinking good thoughts for you, V. Maybe you and Little A could do an overnight stay with some close friends/family?

11:34 PM  
Blogger Lisa said...

So sorry you are going through such a tough time. My heart breaks for you and your kiddo.

2:05 AM  

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