Day 1 of hell week

Last night, at about 5:20 or so, N came back to the apartment. I pretended to be reading. He walked past me, and we didn't say a word. He was on his phone....a common defense mechanism for either of us looking to avoid the other. Eventually he got off his phone, and so I got on mine. I went outside and called L. It was good for a while, but L has a baby, and baby thought it was time for me to suck it up and go back inside, i.e. 'give my mommy's attention back to me'. So, I went back in. I gathered up some of his stuff that I didn't think he would know where I had organized it to and put it with the things he was packing up. We said next to nothing to each other.

After a while, I wrote him out a check for some money that he had over-paid-me-back. His response was "That's it?" He never ever understood how much I was taking heat for him money-wise. But I guess that stupid little check helped. I left the room again after that, but had to come back to ask him the one thing I really needed to ask. The thing that has been making me fall apart and blubber every single time that I think about it. I opened the door about half way, stuck my head in and immediately started to cry. He can't take crying and so all of the sudden he turned into Mr. Nicey-Nice. And so I took a deep breath and said, "I hope you'll say goodbye to Little A" with a gigantic body-shaking sob.

Yes, Little A has grown pretty attached to him. I mean I don't think she loves him, and she would never initiate a hug or anything with him, but she's liked that he's there. I think its made her feel a little more secure. She'll always ask where he is when he's not around and she generally seems to think he's pretty cool. They've bonded enough that this is a big problem. And she is a very sensitive kid who gets attached to everything and everyone in her life. She's already had an episode of crying because she's going to miss her 2nd grade teacher next year.

So, I've been pretty concerned about him just disappearing without a word to her. And my heart has been wrenching itself out of my mouth everytime I think about telling her. I think maybe dating with a kid is just not for me. As if its not hard enough on your own to go through a break-up, it just becomes nearly impossible to hold onto your sense when you know...because of your actions either directly or indirectly...you have to tell your own precious child something that is going to hurt them. This sucks the big one.

Anyway....I guess I digressed a little there. He said he would, of course, say goodbye to her. I was gone at this point. And he hugged me. And started the long evening of me crying, him hugging me and saying things to try to get me to open the "maybe this isn't the right thing to do" discussion. But I can't and I wouldn't. Everytime something like this came up, I just said something either totally matter-of-fact like, "So, are you staying with so and so?" or something totally doom-filled like "We were just soooo never meant to be....what a train-wreck." I know...sweet....but it was the best I could do. He tried to kiss me several times, but I'd just turn my head down so that it would land squarely on my forehead.

It was a horrible night. I was literally dehydrated from crying, and had a pounding headache. But that was nothing to what tonight may be. Tonight, I'm going to tell Little A. And I've arranged for him to come over around 7:30-8:00 to say goodbye. I just had to get it done all at once. And it will be hell. Cross your fingers for my little girl's tender feelings, ok?