Wednesday, February 01, 2006

THAT'S the reason you don't want to talk about a vasectomy?

This morning I came into work, logged on and did my usual blog surfing in the quiet morning hours. (Good worker, eh?) I found this over at Finding Zen and naturally had to add my two measely cents. It's a hot button issue for pretty much anyone but hermits, so I couldn't restrain myself from commenting.

A little later I called my sister (still...good worker, eh?) to see if she had taken a pregnancy test. She shocked me right out of my January bordem last week by telling me that she and her husband had a little "mis-hap" with a condom and her cycle was just at that lovely time that it meant she could be pregnant. It was news. Not like 14 year old pregnant news, but still shocking. She's done with the baby thing, with two boys who are hanging their toes over the cliff of puberty, she has had no desire to return to diapers.

So this morning was the earliest that she could take a test and have any hope of it being accurate. It was negative, but so early, neither of us thought it should be completely trusted. When she had initally told me of the "mis-hap", she said that maybe she would now use this as a way to lead into a (i.e. push for) conversation about a vasectomy. I asked her this morning if she had or was going to do just that.

Sister: Nope.

V: Uh...why?

Sister: Well.....

V: Seriously, why?

Sister: Because if I started that conversation then I might find out things that I don't want to know.

V: Like what?

Sister: Like maybe [Husband] might've done things in the past and there might be issues with diseases or something.

V: Are you shitting me?

Sister: Well, I know he's not doing anything now and he's wonderful now and all that, but what the past....

V: Was there a time that you thought he did something?

Sister: There....was.....a time that was...................rocky. And maybe he did and I don't want to know about that now. I don't think he really did, but if he did, I don't want to know about that. And so I don't want to start that whole vasectomy conversation.

V: Ok, but if you did really think he did something, you're already having "mis-haps" with the freeking condoms, and that the same thing...

Sister: Well, that was just once and there's no reason for me to just keep voluntarily putting myself at risk.

This conversation went on in this circle for quite some time with various "Wouldn't he have had a blood test for this job, that thing" and her always claiming ignorance.....ending with.

V: I think your crazy.

Sister: I know it sounds crazy.

V: No, it doesn't just sound crazy, it is crazy. (Contorted mindfuck face)

My sister has been married for 14 years. Her husband is amazing. Seriously. There are very few men I would deem good enough for my sister, but he excels way past the line of entry. They aren't splitting up, she's not just waiting something out, they're there for good. So, its just a total mind-fuck for me to think that she still has this deep level of mistrust. She's planning on never having unprotected sex with him because of a slight glimmer of a possibility that he had an affair ages ago? And she'd rather do that, then just know. She acts like it's such a slim possibility, the odds are that he didn't. Big odds. Wouldn't she want to know that? Wouldn't you want that confirmation that someone had been true to you even in the hard times if it was there to get?

And if he wasn't, I'm a little shocked that since then, and his (and their) great evolution, that she wouldn't think that he might have had everything checked out? That he might've thought o not put her at risk.

This whole conversation has got me stumped. Does this mean that my sister, who is usually all about truth and awareness would rather live under this shadowy possibility for the rest of her life instead of finding out and moving on?

I'm with Stella. I'd want to know. Even if it made things rocky again for a while, I'd want to know.


Blogger Tink said...

Have her suggest they both donate blood. They have to check it. They'll send them a notice or call if they find anything wrong. It's an uncomfortable subject, but she really needs to give herself the piece of mind!

1:31 PM  
Anonymous Nancy said...

I have a relative whose husband has been unfaithful -- he's actually been caught in the act (not by the wife). And a friend actually told this relative that her husband was cheating, but he flat out denied it. when asked. And my relative believed him. Bottom line, the relative does not seem to want to know the truth. Maybe that's where your sister's thoughts are -- too painful to know, because it would open a whole can of worms that she doesn't want to think about (splitting up, disease, etc.)

7:43 PM  
Anonymous roo said...

Well, your sister is crazy. But didn't you kind of know that already?

I mean, she wasn't going to cancel the bike trip.

Well, you never know a couple unless you're in it, but I would never think her husband was the sort of man to stray. He's devoted to her. They still nap together on the couch, for chrissakes.

9:02 PM  
Blogger V said...

Yeah, I'm no stranger to thinking denial is sometimes the best deal. But....usually for little things. I dunno. I feel like her attitude about it is damning them to a life of just a little less than trust, and if you knew (you know roo) how solid and good they just seems doesn't fit.

9:37 AM  
Anonymous stella said...

i think i am finally getting tuned in over here with you V. i think i have been missing out too, on some great THINKING.

i so would want to know. that just makes me naseous thinking about it. i couldn't not know. but thats me. i just think knowledge is power, and the longer you linger in the dark, the more power you give to your insecurities. good or bad. i want truth. always.

12:58 PM  
Anonymous V-Grrrl said...

I would not want to know--the past is the past--but I think Tink has a great idea that protects your sister's health.

9:39 AM  
Blogger SO said...

I wouldn't want to know either. AT this moment and time we are both very happy, I wouldn't want anything to ruin that. If my husband ever did, and I found out, I wouldn't be able to get over it. Ever. I have enough trouble getting over things that I do know about!!

Tink has a great idea, btw.

12:52 PM  
Blogger mothergoosemouse said...

What I can't get over is the idea that she will not have unprotected sex with her husband because of this inherent fear and mistrust. In my opinion, that is potentially more detrimental to a marriage than knowing about an affair (that may or may not have happened). That she would rather refrain from dealing with the issue (with the one person in the world with whom she should be able to discuss it) than face it. And again, she doesn't even know whether there's an infidelity issue. But there certainly is a trust issue, whether infidelity is present or not.

10:12 PM  

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