Friday, March 03, 2006

Old. Witchy. Knitter.

A whole heap of nonsense for your time wasting on a Friday afternoon reading enjoyment.

Oh me achin' bones

I am officially an old lady. You may think this odd, since I'm still a few weeks from my 30th birthday, but its true. This morning, as the fucking cat meowed me into consciousness and I took a much needed stretch and a yawn while still nestled warmly underneath the covers, I pulled a muscle. That's right, I'm now so incredibly feeble that a morning stretch, while still horizontal (and sadly not in any fun way) can knock me down. Luckily I was already down. But that didn't prevent the excruciating pain of my calf trying to contort itself into a full-blown cow right before my very eyes. After my eyes stopped watering and I had rubbed the bastard down into a dull ache, I limped my way through my morning routine to work. I'm sending my membership fee to AARP as we speak.

Remiss in my duties

I guess with a blog title like "Spells with..." I really should've been a little more prepared to offer some spells. And apparently not the type of spells that I'm a little more adept at offering such as "Get some yarn. Wrap it around some pointy sticks over and over again. Chant these magic words 'Knit, one, two, three, I'm counting....shhhhhh! Ok, one, two, three, four, cable, Yes when I'm done with the row!' Chant them over and over again and sweater shall appear." Sadly, it seems that more people come here searching for many other types of spells as well as a few things that I don't even understand. I will try to oblige. I wouldn't want anyone to be disappointed.

For those of you looking for:

"free cursing spells" - I'm no expert here, but I'm pretty sure if you take a pre-teen, simmer with hormones and exposure to pop culture, add some select letters ("U" is imperative, many others are optional), you will have all the cursing that you need.

"return my lover spells" - Try the Pet cemetery approach. It will either return your lover or squelch your desire to have him/her returned.

"fuck spells" - Well! Now this one has many, many possibilities depending on the quality or quantity of fuck that you want. Here are a few to get you started. For further info, please send 3087 installments of $29.95 to my secret P.O. box.

#1: Go to bar. Any bar. Most potent are those with the words "trough, spitoon, or pit." Rub your booty against first human-type that you see.

#2: Mix break-away clothes with dance competition. Simmer.

#3: Take 3 gallons cologne/perfume, mix with 2 gallons vodka. Stir. This may not always yield desired results, but you won't remember whether or not it did. Think positive.

"forgetting spells" - Just wait. You'll start forgetting soon enough. I can't even remember what this post was supposed to be about.

"spells to get a positive pregnancy test" - See "fuck spells". Renounce anything made of latex before engaging in "fuck spells".

And for the one person looking for "trapped in armpit gay smell", I'm not quite sure what you're looking for in life, but I'm thinking deodorant might be a little more necessary than any spell I could give you.

The Victory Lap

Stay tuned. Somehow I managed to knit myself another sweater for L's little tike who turned 1 this past Saturday. I'll post a picture in a couple of hours.... batteries are dead. Poop. I guess this will have to wait until Monday.


Blogger mama_tulip said...

Okay. "Fuck spells" made me laugh.

"Trapped in armpit gay smell" totally did me in. OMG. That poor person.

8:58 AM  
Blogger Melissa said...

Yeah, the fuck spell was the best. I love step #3, especially the "think positive" part. Hysterical.

10:01 AM  
Blogger Tink said...

I love the "Forgetting Spells." What did I just say? Must not have been important. lol You know... That joke just doesn't work when you're typing it.

As far as pulling a calf muscle, I do it every morning. And I'm only 23. You're not getting old. Have a great weekend Witchy Woman.

12:38 PM  
Blogger Chris said...

Whoa. *blink blink*
Sorry, the gay armpit smell boggled me totally.

12:38 AM  
Blogger Iamadesigner said...

You're not alone-I once pulled a muscle in my jaw by yawning really hard.

8:37 AM  
Blogger Mignon said...

Take a deep breath. Relax. I think it was a cramp - which is totally normal to get when stretching your muscles in the morning. No need to be alarmed by 30. It will not cause immediate decay, or anything. Just sad, slow rotting... ;)

Trapped in armpit gay smell, person? Try it without the prepositions next time. Just trying to be helpful!

(V - how do you find out what searches came to you? Can you do it without sitemeter? I'm trying to get around having sitemeter, because I know I'd be a slave to those numbers...)

12:13 PM  
Anonymous TB said...

I hear you on the aches and pains. It freaks me out a little bit that I already have an achy hip when it's cold/wet outside. What the hell, I'm only 34!

I'm with Mignon though, yours sounds more like a charley horse.

2:56 PM  
Anonymous Nancy said...

What kind of odor does a gay smell in an armpit have, and why would it be trapped there exactly?

I think I might have to do this search on Google to see what comes up other than your blog... if I find anything of interest, I'll share with the crowd.

8:14 PM  
Blogger Dawn said...

Dear me, you'd think that someone with the wherewithall to type in "Fuck Spells" into google, would have already the knowledge of the Bars and the Vodka.
And the Booty Rubbing. I might have added "Wait until it is 1:45 a.m., then rub booty-"

And gay armpit smell? We can smell the gays nows? They have different BO? I actually would have assumed the opposite - Less BO - better smelling pits.

Dear God, I think Dick Cheney has been reading your site!

1:33 PM  
Blogger Brooke said...

Fuck spells...I know it well.

5:34 PM  
Blogger V said...

Well, I suppose the trapped in armpit COULD have been more positive than it seemed.....yuh never know! Maybe someone was like nestling in his lovah's armpit and wanted to know what that heavenly smell was?

Mignon - I don't know how to do it without site meter....but its free, so...

7:50 AM  

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