The February Blues

February is my absolute least favorite month. It sits there pretending to be all unassuming and cute with its little 28 days, but really its cold and empty and ruthless. Everyday feels like a marathon of obstacles and disappointments.

Last week, about this time, I thought, "Wow, I'm doing ok this February. It's going pretty fast." Now, a week later, I feel like I've been trapped in this soul-sucking black hole forever. It's not even just the weather. It's been oddly warm here in New England, and I could feel the warmth and the sun trying to coax me out of February yesterday afternoon, trying to convince me that everything was zippity-do-dah. But its all a tease. It's February folks, and its not going to let us off the hook just because we got thrown a sunny 55 degree day.

And so I hate February. I hate the way it takes every happy moment and puts a bitter edge on it. I hate the way it makes me lethargic, and then makes me hate me for being so lazy. I hate the way it drops everything that I pick up. I hate the way it makes me crave warmth, but even when I am warm, it never feels warm enough. Ditto with love. I hate the way it taunts me with Valentine's Day, trying to convince me that it's full of love when it's really just there to make me wonder where the love has gone to....is it buried underneath the flowers and generic cards? Where is that fucking love come February? I hate the way it kicks me when I am down, throwing accusations of what I already fear at me from soul-less doctors sources, making me constantly question myself and fear that I'm just fucking it alllllll up. I hate February more than I could possibly express.

I'm not a big lyric posting fan, but this is exactly what I mean, and this song soothes me through the cold emptiness of February almost every year. I sing it in the car, I sing it in the shower, I hum it at work. And eventually, if I keep just curling up inside under the blanket of quiet melodic truth, it seems to become spring. February has hit me fully in the stomach, and this seems to be the only recourse I've got now.

February - Dar Williams

I threw your keys in the water, I looked back,
they'd frozen halfway down in the ice.
They froze up so quickly, the keys and their owners,
Even after the anger, it all turned silent, and
The everyday turned solitary,
So we came to February.

First we forgot where we'd planted those bulbs last year,
Then we forgot that we'd planted at all,
Then we forgot what plants are altogether,
And I blamed you for my freezing and forgetting and
The nights were long and cold and scary,
Can we live through February?

You know I think Christmas was a long red glare,
Shot up like a warning, we gave presents without cards,
And then the snow,
And then the snow came, we were always out shoveling,
And we'd drop to sleep exhausted,
Then we'd wake up, and its snowing.

And February was so long that it lasted into march
And found us walking a path alone together.
You stopped and pointed and you said, "That's a crocus",
And I said "What's a crocus? And you said, "Its a flower",
I tried to remember, but I said "What's a flower?"
You said, "I still love you."

The leaves were turning as we drove to the hardware store,
My new lover made me keys to the house,
And when we got home, well we just started chopping wood,
Because you never know how next year will be,
And well gather all our arms can carry,
I have lost to February.