Friday, April 06, 2007

Come Clean Friday


I think I've forgotten how to blog. Seriously. How do I start this thing up? Maybe somebody can tell me what wires I'm supposed to use to hot wire this puppy?

So yeah. Been busy. The good news is that I'm about 5 pages from completing my thesis, which means that I am officially on a graduation list! I'm kicking some microbiology ass (though microbiology is kicking some V-ass as well). And even though my sleep deprivation over the past couple of months has been pretty severe, I have NOT yet crashed my car. Little A is fabulous, but she grew up like 4 years on Wednesday. Her usual best buddy came over to play after school and instead of dragging out every toy she owns and playing elaborate make believe games like they usually do? They sat in her room and TALKED. The WHOLE time. Like loud obnoxious teenagers. No toys. No play. Just TALK. Oye. And I can tell you now, Little A is going to be one damn dramatic teenager. Let the games begin!

I've been knitting. A bit. Certainly not as much as I want, but I'm not in complete withdrawal at least. Someday there will be pictures. Hell if I know when that will be though.

And the rest. The coming clean? I've thought about this post a lot and it seems I'm not even close to knowing just what I want to say or how I want to say it. This is where blogs get tricky. This is where I oscillate between wanting you all to like me and saying, "Hell, this is MY blog so I will write MY life." And honestly, one of my primary reasons for even having a blog is because I have one piss poor memory and it helps me remember where I've been, what I've been through. It's my cheat sheet. "How many times have N and I broken up? Oh wait! I can check the blog! FIFTEEN! Boy, that's really stupid! I think we do not need a chance for sixteen." See, its very helpful for the feeble minded like myself.

So early on, I cut this issue off. Thinking it was a brief moment on the outskirts of my life, I thought I could brush it off my blog and never speak of it again. I thought I could blather on about other things and let it fade into the archives. But it didn't, so in the end, all I can do is write and hope that you'll see what I feel, hope that you'll know where I'm at, and hope that, if nothing else, I'll remember and hold on to who I am.

I feel like you all already know. I know a couple of you do know. It's time to talk about Mr. Eyes. In the beginning, I really tried to believe that Mr. Eyes was just a really effective chaser. I'd walk away from him every night trying to convince myself of this. And he would follow me with the eyes that screamed love. I ignored those eyes for quite a long time, if we include the months prior to all this. I've been fooled in the past after all. Fooled by chasing liars who knew exactly what to say at every moment.

But I had never been fooled by eyes. The one who fooled me the most? He had the talk, but the eyes were so cold that I directly asked him about his eyes. How could he say those things, yet look so cold? Turns out, pathological liars are good like that. His eyes truthfully reflected his coldness, but I still believe that eyes do not always reflect the truth and I talked myself into believing that the eyes of Mr. Eyes were not truthful, that they were just a tool in the chase. And I walked away. For a while.

The thing that was killing me? I was very happy with Mr. Eyes. Happy at a time when I expected to be miserable. And the happiness drew me in and I stopped walking away so much. I still kept trying to convince myself that he was a chaser, an insanely persistent chaser, and when I gave in that first time, I thought that would be it. Finito. And I was relieved by that thought, relieved that I would be out of this messy situation and wouldn't have to try to understand those eyes anymore.

He's not a chaser. There was no end. Just a beginning. And I've spent the last two months with those eyes, coming to know that the kindness and love that comes out of them is an absolute reflection of kindness and love within him. Its amazing. And terrifying.

Yes, there's still a situation. (Though the situation is somewhat different than I originally thought, both for the better and for the worse...more on that another day.) Yes, this still makes me distrust him and question him constantly. It makes me accuse him of every paranoid notion that enters my mind (and after this many years of dating, there's a whole lot of paranoid notions built up in there). And every time I come up with something to accuse him of I try to back away a little. It takes him about .13 seconds to notice this demeanor and what does he do? He hugs me tightly, he holds me hands, he pries and pries until I tell him what's wrong. And if he doesn't get it, he asks some more, until he actually understands. And even if I've just said something to completely piss him off? Something that even I realize is totally paranoid bullshit the moment it actually exits my mouth? He's still tender and kind. He does not walk away. He stays and talks until it is all ok. (You all may now stop wondering why I'm so sleep deprived lately.)

Maybe this isn't so shocking to some people. Maybe some people fully expect this type of behavior, but this has definitely not been my experience with men. Nor have many of my other experiences with him been like any others. And like I said before, its completely amazing and completely terrifying. And that's where I am. Falling in love with Mr. Eyes and feeling confused, happy, anxious, content, scared, awestruck, loved, apprehensive everything.

And I guess that's all for now. Of course there's more, but this is Come Clean Friday here, not Write a Novella Friday afterall.

(I've gone back and forth about a million times about whether to leave the comments open on this, but I decided to suck it up and do it. I figure all of you that I know at all are some of the most understanding people in the world and reconnecting after that long break is worth the risk of the random surfer who needs chastise me.)