Monday, June 18, 2007

Hope.

Not always what its cracked up to be.

"Oh no! Not another one of those posts!!" they run screaming.

Yeah, what are yuh gonna do?

I've found that with Mr. Eyes, the thing that still kills me, day after day, is the hope. I'm sure there were times in the past when I would've written a post singing the virtues of hope. I even heard the Dalai Lama once say that hope was what gave us humanity, set us apart from animals. Hope. So....warming....so.....hopeful.

Its weird to feel so ambivalent about hope. One minute wanting to wish it away, the next minute wanting to cling to it like industrial velcro. But the thing with Mr. Eyes? I can't seem to turn off on him. It's never been that hard, especially when something really changed in a relationship, for me to turn off. There are things that could be done to make me turn back on again, to some extent, which explains all the reruns with N, but turning off has never been a problem. Enough anger could quickly disintegrate any love I had.

But I can't turn off on Mr. Eyes. Whether I avoid him. Whether we make attempts to be "friends". Whether we're having a completely pissy talk. I just can't turn off on him. And so I still hope that everything will change. And I hate that hope and wish it away all the time, but it just lies there in my heart, waiting.

He certainly doesn't help this situation. Constantly still talking about us when we're old and gray, and apparently, very, very funny. Or his general denial that anything has gone awry. (Though, thankfully, that seems to have quieted a little. Apparently it takes about a month for these things to sink into his head.) And he doesn't help by continually telling me that he loves me or giving me the infamous eyes. He just doesn't help.

And he doesn't help by changing what needs to be changed either. And so I just wait. I take comfort that I shouldn't take in hugs from him, but don't let him cross the threshold of my apartment. I sometimes don't see him at all in a day, and other days stay up way too late talking to him, feeling those same things I always have with him. And almost everynight, there is a moment when I'll close my eyes and imagine things to be right, but always curse myself for it when I have to open them to reality again.

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6 Comments:

Blogger Michael said...

Just wanted to send a virtual hug since I can't give you a real one. No advice, no discussion, just a warm hug and to let you know I was thinking of you.

12:32 PM  
Blogger knitnzu said...

Oh kiddo, hugs from me to you! You are in a place I was in once...it all sounds so familiar. Yeah, it gets better, even when and if the eyes thing dissolves....but....you'll always think about him, even if it's that he's showing up in your dreams. And one skein of yarn? That counts?

5:02 PM  
Blogger teh j00 said...

What Michael said

9:22 AM  
Anonymous Nancy said...

Tough situation. Hugs from me, too, and just try to hang in there every day.

11:31 AM  
Blogger Julie said...

Nothing to say except I'm thinking of you and hoping things straighten out soon.

10:44 AM  
Blogger Chris said...

*hug*

10:52 PM  

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