Wednesday, June 13, 2007

Just what you were waiting for...Melodrama!

Oye. Here I am.

I've opened the blogger window several times in the past couple of weeks, and really should've written, but um. Well, you know. There's plenty to write, but many days I just don't have the umph to do it.

I'm pretty disappointed with life these days. And by pretty, I mean completely. I'm constantly envious of people who can fake it lately. And of people that can pretend themselves into happiness or truly find things to be happy with despite the neverending bullshit of life. I feel clueless and restless and empty and alone. These aren't really new for me, but it is a little bit rare for them all to converge at the same time.

There are several things that I could indulge in bitching about, but I'll just stick to the two that are constantly occupying me....

Little A seems to have come into a bit of a rough spot at school. She's come home crying nearly everyday for a week or so. Little A is just like me with her friends. She's not a herd kind of girl. She likes to have one or two very special close friends, and everyone else is just sort of out there.

So recently, the out there group has decided that they need to try to mess with Little A and her best buddy, and along with it try to make Little A seem totally uncool to her best buddy which pretty much involved everyone being little mother fucking 9 year old ass holes to her.
After a long talk with the buddy's mother, things have gotten slightly better. They are still very close, but I'm worried about how everything is going at school with the rest of the little ass holes.

Little A is very sensitive. You remember, the kid who cries over the loss of a tooth? Yeah, she drives me nuts sometimes with the things that she lets loose the tears for, but this? This was tearful territory and when I heard my beautiful, wonderfully sweet daughter say, " No one likes me and they're trying to make sure S won't like me anymore either"? When she sobbed it, I knew, that despite all those other tears about teeth and stuffed animals, and bedtime, I knew that my darling Little A's innocent little heart was breaking for the first time. And I knew that there was very little that I could do, this time, or all the other times that are to come. I know exactly how she feels. I was the perpetual new kid through my entire childhood and I know exactly that feeling and I know absolutely no way to save her from it. Because rationally, of course, I know I can't (and motherhood is oh-so-rational). And even if I could, it would probably turn her into some sort of freak-adult with no soul, but still. It kills me. It kills me that anyone doesn't see how wonderful she is and that knowing that they don't see it is making her doubt it. Wasn't I supposed to have a few more years until the low-self esteem adolescent kicked in? I'm glad she talks to me and I hope she always will, but this one has been really rough.

And the other...things with Mr. Eyes have pretty much fallen apart. He claims they haven't and still tries to push onward, but I know what happened inside of me, and it was some serious falling apart. Part of me wants to write about it, part of me feels like a melodramatic retard whenever I try to form it into words, so I'm left not really knowing what to say. I guess I'll just say that it was different from anything else I'd ever been in, the feeling was totally different. And I felt sure. Which was also totally different. Not sure that everything would work out, but sure of the feeling. And so on top of the huge disappointment in the situation, I just feel like I can't even trust myself to identify a real feeling...a real anything because if that wasn't it, the big *it* that I never would've claimed feeling before, well....either I'm a total moron, or *it* just doesn't exist. Either way, I'm not too thrilled right now. Because I miss *it*. It was an amazingly new feeling. Totally indescribable. And I miss him. On purpose, since I miss him by avoiding him, but I still miss him.

Sorry to be such a downer that I can't even leave you with an "On the bright side" sort of comment, but I'm just not on the bright side right now. Hope things are infinitely better with all of you.



Blogger Michael said...

The bright side is you posted! :>) I know, not what you wanted to hear, but welcome back. We kept the light on for you. :>)

12:44 PM  
Blogger Chris said...

And a big *hug* for Little A, too.

12:37 PM  
Blogger Heide said...

Cyber hugs to you and to Little A. Children and adults can both be horrible sometimes. And many of us will tolerate quite a bit of crap ourselves, but when someone messes with our kids then look out. I have three very sensitive daughters too (especially A2). If possible I'd go sit in class with each of them everyday just to make sure th at they were being treated fairly. It's really hard to try and teach your own child to be kind only to have others be so mean. But our kids are the ones who will someday make the world a better place.

I'm sorry to hear about Mr. Eyes. Damn things can be complicated. I admire you for having the strength to be able to stay away when/if it's necessary. Many of us would not be able to do so. Please enjoy your weekend.

5:44 PM  
Blogger Shel said...

Awe, poor little A!!! WTF?? I hate hate hate school girls, I thought it didn't happen until MIDDLE SCHOOL?? Why are girls so mean??? Why do they always have to choose one girl to be mean to?? I feel so bad for her. Our school was very cliquey and even though I was IN the clique in high school, it wasn't always that way. Middle school was rough. And I never felt like I could be myself!!

And I'm sorry to hear about Mr. Eyes too V.

Write me if you feel like chatting.

12:03 PM  
Anonymous TB said...

Aw man. I do hope things are going a little better for both you and Little A.

5:02 PM  
Blogger Kate said...

Even though I loved school in an academic way (nerd alert!) it sucked. I know I always felt socially awkward and not quite playing the same game as everyone else. Girls are so mean to each other.

Hope everything is going a bit better/smoothing out, now. I don't suppose it gets much easier, for you or for her, for a while yet, which just sucks.

Gee, I'm a bundle of inspiration today, aren't I? I guess what I'm tyring to say is, to speak for the crafty bloggosphere as a whole, we understand, we're with you, we know it sucks, but you can do it.

Here's hoping it doesn't suck too much.

9:03 PM  

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