Monday, October 03, 2005

Nevers and Forevers

I've never been comfortable with "forevers". But I've also never been very comfortable with the "be here (and happy) now" type of thinking either.
I hear a lot of nevers and forevers these days. "We'll never break up again." "We'll be together forever." And though, on some level, its comforting to hear, it also makes me endlessly uneasy. Agreeing makes me feel like a fake. Dismissing it makes me feel like an insensitive jerk. I see people accept forevers so easily all the time. Do they really believe in forevers, or do they just find solace in the thought that life could be that stable?
The SAT reviews all warn us, never choose the answer that includes the words "never or forever." But we all, maybe imprudently, choose those answers. I can't really sit here and think that things won't work out with N this time. That would just be futile and depressing. So, basically I am choosing to believe those forevers. If I'm not going to beleive that we will crash and burn ever again, I'm beleiving that we will be together forever. And that is just such a strange and foreign thought to me. So much so that I almost couldn't write it. I almost wrote we MAY be together forever.
Maybe I just lack faith.
There are a couple of things that I beleive and know are forever. I'll always love Little A, forever. Wait, there aren't a couple. There's one. That's the one single thing that I know about forever. And I have no idea where that knowledge comes from or how it could ever be applied to anything or anyone else.
At the end of the day, I guess I'm lucky to know that one forever. But I still wish I could capture the confidence or the optimism to really beleive in the others.

1 Comments:

Anonymous roo said...

I think N has to earn that feeling from you still. You're smart, not cynical, to let him prove himself to you, and keep your eyes open, as long as you keep your heart open too...

9:19 PM  

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