Thursday, September 15, 2005

Filling the Crevices

I think I have a (possibly unhealthy) fixation with filling small spots with stuff. Large areas, I have no problem with....they feel like open space, but if I have a 12" x 12" space in between the couch and a bookcase or the bed and a lamp....it must be filled. It's like there's a hole in the surface of the room and I cannot just leave it. Luckily my very healthy obsession with yarn helps with my crevice filling around my house.
Unfortunately, I think I may have the same fixation with time. And this may be one of the things that makes me miss N the most...those cracks of time that are just like little holes in life...I miss having him there...to fill those up. Boyfriend's, and especially boyfriend's like N, are odd space holders though. Because often they take up so much time that you still end up with only little cracks of time...not even big enough to fit a good call to a friend. Because N and I live right there, right in each other's faces, it was always hard to portion time. Sometimes I would desperatly need some time alone or sometime to call and catch up with a friend, and yet if he was upstairs doing nothing, I couldn't help but to feel slighted if he wouldn't come down and do nothing with me. So, he usually did. And it's stupid, but I miss that. I miss knowing that comfort and companionship is 2 flights of stairs away. I miss knowing that there are warm, strong arms to wrap around me any moment. I love my friends dearly, but they can't fill that void, that crack in the time.
So that's the time that I usually end up crying, feeling so lonely when I know I'm not alone. Feeling like I miss him beyond anything I can endure, when its really all for the best.

4 Comments:

Anonymous roo said...

Hey girly! I know you! I'm so excited I found your blog that I haven't read it yet. Hee Hee!

V, you're sneaky!
xoxoxoxo!

11:57 PM  
Anonymous roo said...

Hi V. I know what you mean.

I miss having my friends so close by I could go sit with them outside and sip tea (eh? sounds pret-ty nice! Who needs cigs?)whenever I want.

Although it's nice we have a new way to hang out remotely.

12:33 AM  
Blogger V said...

Now, however did you find me out? I planned to have a LITTLE more substance before I told anyone! I guess I'd better not apply for any CIA positions.

6:59 AM  
Anonymous roo said...

Please! You have more substance going on in the intro to your blog (The 'rents) than a lot of other writers have in a year of journalling. Beautiful, but spoooo-ky, but cozy-- the defining qualities of any kitchen witch.

I can't wait to read more. But, I'm not really here...

*Cue demonic laughter as smoke swirls up and the lady vanishes...

12:50 AM  

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