Hope.

Not always what its cracked up to be.

"Oh no! Not another one of those posts!!" they run screaming.

Yeah, what are yuh gonna do?

I've found that with Mr. Eyes, the thing that still kills me, day after day, is the hope. I'm sure there were times in the past when I would've written a post singing the virtues of hope. I even heard the Dalai Lama once say that hope was what gave us humanity, set us apart from animals. Hope. So....warming....so.....hopeful.

Its weird to feel so ambivalent about hope. One minute wanting to wish it away, the next minute wanting to cling to it like industrial velcro. But the thing with Mr. Eyes? I can't seem to turn off on him. It's never been that hard, especially when something really changed in a relationship, for me to turn off. There are things that could be done to make me turn back on again, to some extent, which explains all the reruns with N, but turning off has never been a problem. Enough anger could quickly disintegrate any love I had.

But I can't turn off on Mr. Eyes. Whether I avoid him. Whether we make attempts to be "friends". Whether we're having a completely pissy talk. I just can't turn off on him. And so I still hope that everything will change. And I hate that hope and wish it away all the time, but it just lies there in my heart, waiting.

He certainly doesn't help this situation. Constantly still talking about us when we're old and gray, and apparently, very, very funny. Or his general denial that anything has gone awry. (Though, thankfully, that seems to have quieted a little. Apparently it takes about a month for these things to sink into his head.) And he doesn't help by continually telling me that he loves me or giving me the infamous eyes. He just doesn't help.

And he doesn't help by changing what needs to be changed either. And so I just wait. I take comfort that I shouldn't take in hugs from him, but don't let him cross the threshold of my apartment. I sometimes don't see him at all in a day, and other days stay up way too late talking to him, feeling those same things I always have with him. And almost everynight, there is a moment when I'll close my eyes and imagine things to be right, but always curse myself for it when I have to open them to reality again.

Diet

I am officially on a yarn diet. Knit from my stash. Whatever the hell you want to call it. My buddy down at the Island Yarn Company is having a 50% off all yarn and books sale (go fast if you are in the area...great deals as her prices are good anyway and she's getting cleaned out), and last night, well, I spent an obscene amount of money on yarn. And since it was 50% off, actually came home with an obscene amount of yarn. Pictures soon. Yuh know, when I get off my lazy pathetic ass and take some.

But I do solemnly swear to not purchase yarn until next year. This excludes yard sales. Oh and dyeable yarn as I have a couple dyeing techniques I want to try out. But that is all. I swear. Solemnly.

Just what you were waiting for...Melodrama!

Oye. Here I am.

I've opened the blogger window several times in the past couple of weeks, and really should've written, but um. Well, you know. There's plenty to write, but many days I just don't have the umph to do it.

I'm pretty disappointed with life these days. And by pretty, I mean completely. I'm constantly envious of people who can fake it lately. And of people that can pretend themselves into happiness or truly find things to be happy with despite the neverending bullshit of life. I feel clueless and restless and empty and alone. These aren't really new for me, but it is a little bit rare for them all to converge at the same time.

There are several things that I could indulge in bitching about, but I'll just stick to the two that are constantly occupying me....

Little A seems to have come into a bit of a rough spot at school. She's come home crying nearly everyday for a week or so. Little A is just like me with her friends. She's not a herd kind of girl. She likes to have one or two very special close friends, and everyone else is just sort of out there.

So recently, the out there group has decided that they need to try to mess with Little A and her best buddy, and along with it try to make Little A seem totally uncool to her best buddy which pretty much involved everyone being little mother fucking 9 year old ass holes to her.
After a long talk with the buddy's mother, things have gotten slightly better. They are still very close, but I'm worried about how everything is going at school with the rest of the little ass holes.

Little A is very sensitive. You remember, the kid who cries over the loss of a tooth? Yeah, she drives me nuts sometimes with the things that she lets loose the tears for, but this? This was tearful territory and when I heard my beautiful, wonderfully sweet daughter say, " No one likes me and they're trying to make sure S won't like me anymore either"? When she sobbed it, I knew, that despite all those other tears about teeth and stuffed animals, and bedtime, I knew that my darling Little A's innocent little heart was breaking for the first time. And I knew that there was very little that I could do, this time, or all the other times that are to come. I know exactly how she feels. I was the perpetual new kid through my entire childhood and I know exactly that feeling and I know absolutely no way to save her from it. Because rationally, of course, I know I can't (and motherhood is oh-so-rational). And even if I could, it would probably turn her into some sort of freak-adult with no soul, but still. It kills me. It kills me that anyone doesn't see how wonderful she is and that knowing that they don't see it is making her doubt it. Wasn't I supposed to have a few more years until the low-self esteem adolescent kicked in? I'm glad she talks to me and I hope she always will, but this one has been really rough.

And the other...things with Mr. Eyes have pretty much fallen apart. He claims they haven't and still tries to push onward, but I know what happened inside of me, and it was some serious falling apart. Part of me wants to write about it, part of me feels like a melodramatic retard whenever I try to form it into words, so I'm left not really knowing what to say. I guess I'll just say that it was different from anything else I'd ever been in, the feeling was totally different. And I felt sure. Which was also totally different. Not sure that everything would work out, but sure of the feeling. And so on top of the huge disappointment in the situation, I just feel like I can't even trust myself to identify a real feeling...a real anything because if that wasn't it, the big *it* that I never would've claimed feeling before, well....either I'm a total moron, or *it* just doesn't exist. Either way, I'm not too thrilled right now. Because I miss *it*. It was an amazingly new feeling. Totally indescribable. And I miss him. On purpose, since I miss him by avoiding him, but I still miss him.

Sorry to be such a downer that I can't even leave you with an "On the bright side" sort of comment, but I'm just not on the bright side right now. Hope things are infinitely better with all of you.